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Hey There!

Welcome to the autobiographical of my life. I hope you will enjoy reading. 

All About Me

I have been always a very different child from all the other children I knew around me and I was a very emotional child and very timid and I have always found it very difficult to be social with other children. Even as a child, I felt scared to be in the classroom with the other kids and I would sit at my desk and cry because I just did not want to be there. I wanted to be at home where I felt safe. I guess emotional problems were even with me as a child and they just grew as I got older. As a child, I knew or picked up on the emotions of my mother suffering from her nerves and my father being at work a lot and when myself and my siblings did see him we were not getting the best of him but seeing a very tired man doing his best to provide for his family.


My mother was doing her very best to be a housewife and taking a part-time Job in our local school to earn some extra money, but my mother was also dealing with living in a very unhappy marriage as she was in love with another man so looking back the marriage was doomed from the start, but there were also children involved and my mother did her very best to make her marriage work but of course, deep down her heart was for another man. My dad knew my mother had feelings for this other man because my mother dated him in her youth, but my dad kind of hoped that his marriage would work with us kids involved also, and to be honest I think my mother wanted her marriage to work but it was just not meant to be.


My dad kind of blames the divorce for the way I turned out being very timid and socially isolated and having some mental health Issues even as a child, even being referred to a child psychologist because of the odd ways I was behaving like a child. In the Psychologists terms I was a child who needed attention more than my siblings, but with my mother holding down two Jobs and us having very little money and a new baby in the house and my mother’s partner leaving and my dad being very absent with seeing us kids there was very little room to communicate with my parents and I feel that was when the problems really started with me personally. Some might say it was child neglect, but my family was dysfunctional and I grew up around that dysfunctionality as my other siblings did also.


As I got to a teenager I just became more and more isolated from other people and I ended up with no friends and I became even timider and just bottled up whatever was going on in my life. I was spending my youth mostly with my grandparents who had very old-fashioned views about life even though they were very young at heart for their ages. I was very close to my grandmother and we had a very close relationship, but my grandmother could be very controlling and often dominant and she was very overprotective of me which angered my grandfather for years on the quiet and manifested within him because he knew deep down that my grandmother had her favorites more often than not putting me before him. As my grandmother became ill in later life and my grandfather got older also that manifestation turned very ugly towards me and our relationship as grandfather and grandson turned very ugly.


Having no friends and acting very odd around the house and I became very controlling because my life was so unhappy and dull and not looking after my personal Hygiene or having any interest in my image my life was going from bad to worse and I was just trying to fight the unhappiness going on inside me and the dysfunction within my family was getting worse if anything that it all came to a head as it does that my time living with my mother came to an end and I ended up going to live with my dad at the age of sixteen where I now had time to just think about me but as for my timidity and nervous disposition things just got much worse for me in that department. I went from being very controlling in my surroundings to being controlled by my surroundings. The tables had been turned.


My personal Hygiene improved and I put on some weight as I was as thin as a garden rake I was also getting help from my doctor with my acne but I was still unwell within myself and was still very much reserved. I went to college whilst living with my dad and I was hoping for my life to improve through college as it was a very different environment to school, but within the three years, I was there nothing really changed in my life socially I did make a friend in college, but we were basically two peas in a pod and we bonded as Introverts and kind of took comfort in us both being very much alike. Our friendship remained in college and we never met up out of college. It was basically a college friendship and an academic one at that. I had high expectations of my social skills developing in college, but as usual, I was very much let down.


After college and life in my twenties was just really back and forth of the Employment center and Job searching and attending workshops and employment courses to improve my skills of finding work and they were really just years of me wandering the streets and being around kids of my age through the employment center which I had nothing in common with at all because let's just say I was very reserved and they were not and I was not really comfortable being around people like that but I had to be around them to get my benefits paid. The kids could be funny and very humorous, but they lived a completely different life to the one that I lived. I found work in my late twenties or I was given work in my late twenties as a cleaner. It was employment I had to take because circumstances changed at home with my dad getting married. I was not very happy about becoming a cleaner, but it was a job I could just walk into and get on with it. I was also having a wage each month, but again because of my timidity and my lack of confidence and self-esteem and my nervous disposition certain people where I worked took advantage of that and Bullying takes place. I was in my late twenties and still being bullied, but being bullied now in the workplace, not at school. Again, I kept quiet about it and put up with it because thinking about it now I wanted to show my family that I could hold down a job and I put on the pretense that everything was great in that Job but obviously again I was masking much unhappiness.


My life in my late twenties and thirties was just attending work and going home and visiting my grandparents. It was a routine of life and it was a circle that I lived in like a robot. I was unhappy at work and I was still very unhappy in my personal life, but I was very good at putting on a happy picture, simply because I felt I needed to put on a happy picture. Even people like me have a breaking point and one night I was sitting at home as usual and I felt as if I wanted to climb onto the roof of my house and scream my head off for somebody to help me. I knew I needed help and I went to talk to my doctor about how I was feeling because I had no social life and I had no quality of life and I was petrified of my sexuality because I found guys attractive and that scared me, but the confusion was that I also found girls attractive and all of this just scared me to death because I knew full well that my family was homophobic and I was just full of confusion not to mention sexually repressed and frustrated. I went into counseling at a very basic level but it was good to get these things out in the open and for a stranger to hear what my fears were and for them to be explained. I was put on antidepressants which I have been taking for years to help me with my social anxiety and nervous disposition. The counseling was draining emotionally because I had never talked to anybody before about these things going on inside me, but it was all down to a lack of life experience and confidence and I allowed fear to control my life and I hid away from the life which repressed my needs as a human being and my identity on planet earth as I just did not have one.


Nothing changed in my life through my thirties and as I hit forty I was still fearful of life and of a nervous disposition. I did get my own house, but of course with that came lots of expenses and I was now struggling to pay my bills and living on a shoestring. On top of my everyday worries now came money worries and the expense of keeping a roof over my head. I was a cleaner and on a very low wage and I was struggling financially, but as usual, I grinded my teeth together and just got on with it as best I could often turning to family members for a little financial help but this of course caused many family conflicts because I constantly needed that support net from my family where money was concerned and there was many an argument about it. I was still very unhappy with my life and I was so envious of other people enjoying their lives that it was driving me insane and I knew I needed more help. I did not drink and I did not smoke and I did not do anything socially so I spent what little spare cash I had on Private Cognitive Behavioral therapy it was an expensed to my pocket, but I needed to understand myself and I needed answers to why I was behaving like I was and why I was so different to other people. I found an excellent therapist and over an almost three year period time we laughed together and drank plenty of tea together and for an hour every month we just sat there and talked about my life and I was comfortable doing this because I trusted my therapist and I explained things to my therapist that scared me to death, but my therapist broke them down for me which was just me overthinking everything but that is related to fear which was huge inside me but again in therapy we broke that fear down and we talked about it.


I am a huge believer in therapy and it helped me without a doubt I knew that I needed that therapy I just knew I needed to talk to somebody. The place where I worked for so many years as a cleaner closed down due to council cuts and I felt free like I had been in a very unhappy marriage for years and now I was free to do what I wanted to do with my life. Again I was to have a shock come to me as I signed on benefits and lived off my small package of redundancy money. I could not find work and the employment I did undertake was not really up to much and I was in and out of employment like a revolving door. My family life was not the best and I was back wandering the streets, but my writing was a lifeline for me and it gave me such pleasure, not to mention filling many empty hours with something that was creative for me. It was my own private world and it gave me such liberation away from my very gray life. To this day I am in my mid-forties writing still brings such Joy into my life.  


In the year 2020 the CoronaVirus put the world on hold and mother earth just stopped and everybody could not believe what kind of life they were living. It gave me time off work as I was cleaning once again and we had the lovely weather that year, so it was just nice for me to relax on my patio and look up at the blue sky and just take time out from the very overwhelming planet earth. As an Introvert, it was great for me to just have those quiet months on planet earth where the streets were empty and the towns were desolate. I just loved walking about the place in such a quiet environment and surroundings that I even wrote a book about how I felt about these times because planet earth was now like my world dull and gray and the world was living my life. Again, thank god I had something creative to do at that time because even I have to admit at that time I did feel the loneliness. I might not have many friends, but I am always around family members, and not seeing them at that time even got somebody like me. What can I say, no man is an Island.


Where am I today?  I am now in my mid-forties and I am still cleaning I still struggle with money and I struggle with my mental health even though I am more in control of my mental health than I ever was before. I am still very much a work in progress as I am still searching for myself really and I am always working myself out, but I have lived this repressive life for so long now that it’s kind of hard to shake it off even though it’s not at all healthy. I am human (believe it or not), and I would like friends and I would love to experience sex instead of just watching it as I have always done. I am still searching for myself and I am still trying to set myself free and give myself a break and just try to enjoy life instead of constantly fretting about it. Who knows what is around the corner for me, but whatever it may be I am ready for it because life has never gotten the better of me and it never will. I consider myself a very strong human being and what can I say I am a survivor and I will never give up on life no matter what happens in my life. We are only here once like us and if we do get reborn on planet earth, then we become somebody else but we are only here once as the person we were born and we should make the most of human life and everything about it which is why I write so much and why I publish my stories because I may never be a fan of planet earth itself, but believe it or not, I do find human life fascinating and I try and write about it as much as I possibly can because I don’t just see human life but I like to feel human life also. I might not have had any life experience, but I believe that there is great and powerful humanity in my work and a great expression of it with so many human emotions and feelings covered in all my books and writing.                 


We are not born, we are made.

Julian Black

Yours Truly,

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